Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

In the human race today, you came last.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant