Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.