Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently

In the human race today, you came last.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.