Being a specialist is one thing, getting a job is another.

In point of morals, the average woman is, even for business, too crooked.

Anybody who has listened to certain kinds of music, or read certain kinds of poetry, or heard certain kinds of performances on the concertina, will admit that even suicide has its brighter aspects.

There is an old motto that runs, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." This is nonsense. It ought to read, "If at first you don't succeed, quit, quit at once."

It was Einstein who made the real trouble. He announced in 1905 that there was no such thing as absolute rest. After that there never was.

The landlady of a boarding-house is a parallelogram - that is, an oblong angular figure, which cannot be described, but which is equal to anything

I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.