A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to get out and kill something.
Stephen LeacockOn the same bill and on the same side of it there should not be two charges for the same thing
Stephen LeacockGolf may be played on Sunday, not being a game within the view of the law, but being a form of moral effort.
Stephen LeacockToo much has been said of the heroes of history-the strong men, the troublesome men; too little of the amiable, the kindly, the tolerant.
Stephen LeacockIt was Einstein who made the real trouble. He announced in 1905 that there was no such thing as absolute rest. After that there never was.
Stephen LeacockNow, the essence, the very spirit of Christmas is that we first make believe a thing is so, and lo, it presently turns out to be so.
Stephen LeacockAdvertising: the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
Stephen LeacockA lone maple leaf resting on sand Have you ever been out for a late autumn walk in the closing part of the afternoon, and suddenly looked up to realize that the leaves have practically all gone? And the sun has set and the day gone before you knew it, and with that a cold wind blows across the landscape? That's retirement.
Stephen LeacockPersonally, I would sooner have written Alice in Wonderland than the whole Encyclopedia Britannica.
Stephen LeacockThere are two things in ordinary conversation which ordinary people dislike - information and wit
Stephen LeacockCharles Dickens' creation of Mr. Pickwick did more for the elevation of the human race - I say it in all seriousness - than Cardinal Newman's Lead Kindly Light Amid the Encircling Gloom. Newman only cried out for light in the gloom of a sad world. Dickens gave it.
Stephen LeacockMost people can tire of a lecture in fifteen minutes, clever people can do it in five, and sensible people don't go to lectures at all.
Stephen LeacockAmerican politicians do anything for money... English politicians take the money and won't do anything.
Stephen LeacockI detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.
Stephen LeacockIf I were founding a university I would begin with a smoking room; next a dormitory; and then a decent reading room and a library. After that, if I still had more money that I couldn't use, I would hire a professor and get some text books.
Stephen LeacockThe classics are only primitive literature. They belong to the same class as primitive machinery and primitive music and primitive medicine.
Stephen LeacockI've seen lifelong friends drift apart over golf just because one could play better, but the other counted better.
Stephen LeacockA half truth, like half a brick, is always more forcible as an argument than a whole one. It carries better.
Stephen LeacockWriting is no trouble: you just jot down ideas as they occur to you. The jotting is simplicity itself - it is the occurring which is difficult.
Stephen LeacockA silk dress in four sections, and shoes with high heels that would have broken the heart of John Calvin.
Stephen LeacockElectricity is of two kinds, positive and negative. The difference is, I presume, that one comes a little more expensive, but is more durable; the other is a cheaper thing, but the moths get into it.
Stephen LeacockNewspapermen learn to call a murderer "an alleged murderer" and the King of England "the alleged King of England" in order to avoid libel suits.
Stephen LeacockMost people tire of a lecture in ten minutes; clever people can do it in five. Sensible people never go to lectures at all. But the people who do go to a lecture and who get tired of it, presently hold it as a sort of grudge against the lecturer personally. In reality his sufferings are worse than theirs.
Stephen LeacockAs for politics, well, it all seemed reasonable enough. When the Conservatives got in anywhere, [Judge] Pepperleigh laughed and enjoyed it, simply because it does one good to see a straight, fine, honest fight where the best man wins. When a Liberal got in, it made him mad, and he said so,-not, mind you; from any political bias, for his office forbid it,-but simply because one can't bear to see the country go absolutely to the devil.
Stephen LeacockWriting is not hard. Just get paper and pencil, sit down, and write as it occurs to you. The writing is easy-it's the occurring that's hard.
Stephen LeacockThe English are terribly lazy about fighting. They like to get it over and done with and then set up a game of cricket.
Stephen LeacockHe flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
Stephen LeacockHockey captures the essence of Canadian experience in the New World. In a land so inescapably and inhospitably cold, hockey is the chance of life, and an affirmation that despite the deathly chill of winter we are alive.
Stephen LeacockIt is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.
Stephen LeacockThe student of arithmetic who has mastered the first four rules of his art, and successfully striven with money sums and fractions, finds himself confronted by an unbroken expanse of questions known as problems.
Stephen LeacockWe think of the noble object for which the professor appears tonight, we may be assured that the Lord will forgive any one who will laugh at the professor.
Stephen LeacockIf every day in the life of a school could be the last day but one, there would be little fault to find with it.
Stephen LeacockIn earlier times they had no statistics and so they had to fall back on lies. Hence the huge exaggerations of primitive literature, giants, miracles, wonders! It's the size that counts. They did it with lies and we do it with statistics: but it's all the same.
Stephen LeacockI am what is called a professor emeritus—from the Latin e, 'out,' and meritus, 'so he ought to be.
Stephen LeacockThere is no doubt that many things in life come to us...at backrounds so to speak. Happiness is one of them.
Stephen Leacock