In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Advertising: the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

The landlady of a boarding-house is a parallelogram - that is, an oblong angular figure, which cannot be described, but which is equal to anything

A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to get out and kill something.

In point of morals, the average woman is, even for business, too crooked.

It takes a good deal of physical courage to ride a horse. This, however, I have. I get it at about forty cents a flask, and take it as required.

I owe a lot to my teachers and mean to pay them back some day.