In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Each section of the British Isles has its own way of laughing, except Wales, which doesn't.

American politicians do anything for money... English politicians take the money and won't do anything.

It takes a good deal of physical courage to ride a horse. This, however, I have. I get it at about forty cents a flask, and take it as required.

Any two meals at a boarding-house are together less than two square meals.

Most people tire of a lecture in ten minutes; clever people can do it in five. Sensible people never go to lectures at all. But the people who do go to a lecture and who get tired of it, presently hold it as a sort of grudge against the lecturer personally. In reality his sufferings are worse than theirs.

The classics are only primitive literature. They belong to the same class as primitive machinery and primitive music and primitive medicine.