I've put an umbrella in my mouth and opened it. I sat in a lemon-meringue pie. I've done terrible things to my dog with a fork.

I opened the show with this line: "I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! Oh, wait, sorry, that's tomorrow night.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Well, today the Grammys is much much better than the Oscars. I think the differences in the shows are that the Grammys are much wilder. The Oscars is much more people in the industry. And people dress wilder, I think, at the Grammys.

I'm not a human being. I'm despicable and disgusting - but that's where the money is.

There's no better way to learn something than to learn it in front of an audience. Your terror drives you.

With comedy, you have no place to go but more comedy, so you're never off the hook.