Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.