I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.