I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?