I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.