Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.