I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.