All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.