When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?