When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.