I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

I was an only child, eventually.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'