I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.