I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I was an only child, eventually.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".