Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.