Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

I took a baby shower.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.