There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?