I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

What a nice night for an evening.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.