Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.