Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I lost a button hole.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.