Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?