Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I was skydiving horizontally.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.