I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.