I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?