I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."