I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.