I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.