Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.