I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.