I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.