I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?