I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.