I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.