I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>