I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.