Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?