Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.