When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.