When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.