When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.