When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.