The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'