I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?