I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.