I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.