I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

My father was a small claims court jester.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.