When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.