If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?