If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

I just lost a buttonhole.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.