If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.