I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.