I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.