A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.