A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.