I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

How young can you die of old age?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.