I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?