In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?