I had amnesia once or twice.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?