I had amnesia once or twice.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.