I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.