[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.