For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"