I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."