No one is listening until you make a mistake.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.