I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.