I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.