My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.