My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'