My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?