To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.