To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.