The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.