The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.