I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.