I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.