I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.