To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.