To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?