Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."