Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.